At capacity
On the daily game of Tetris and the in-between — Day 19 of 100
I am at capacity, and it is only Wednesday.
Nico had back-to-back doctor’s appointments this week on Monday and Tuesday. Our last medical visit was a walk-in X-ray, where I mentioned feeling a significant shift. We didn’t have to take a weight or length measurement then. Having to do it twice this week made me realize how much weight each of these carry. How every gram and centimeter matters as I try to recall the last set of measurements to feel assured that he is on an upward trajectory.
This simple act has spun me out in the past. I find myself in a similar but different situation this time, trying to notice and be present with it, and yet, am caught in that in-between, a state of resilience and a state of falling apart. I can feel the worry rising through my body, and I’m trying to inch my way closer to resilience.
I left both appointments feeling supported by the providers, a sentiment I don’t take for granted. Our once contentious relationship with his pediatrician has evolved into a cordial one. She has always been extremely thorough and generous with her time. But every visit, I hit a wall, fixating on her delivery rather than her generosity. Each sentence rises and ends in an uptick, as though posing a question. I feel each rise through my body, readying me to jump out of my chair and burst by the end of the hour.
And still, the rest of the week is packed with four more appointments—our weekly standard.
I was already running low coming off the weekend. Every day made up of micro-considerations in the daily game of Tetris, especially so when timing appointments between snack time, lunchtime, and nap time. All while adding “medical” to the mental and emotional load. And I think to myself, “I could really use a break.”
I considered something that I haven’t in a long time: whether or not to cancel my weekly yoga class on Wednesday evening. Not because I was in pain or because something came up. But to write and refuel. To take a break from Tetris. To not have to be anywhere other than home. If there’s nothing else I can control, at least this I could. I will take it.
The yoga that’s not about going to a class but is a practice in noticing when I find myself in the uncomfortable “in-between” or when I’m readying to burst. In meeting myself where I am and deciding how I want to move forward.
It is Wednesday evening. Nico is down for the night. Jorge is out for the night. And I am at home, finishing up this piece with tea in tow and nowhere else to be.
This is Day 19 of 100. Read the beginning here.